Love Her and Do It Well
I just responded to a post on a blog that I follow at a distance. I responded to the question: How long have you been married? My response was: 6 years next month. Right above the place where you enter your comment, a lady named Kathy H. had responded with: Married for 42 years!!!
I dream of being married for 42 years and wanting to tell someone, or everyone, with a level of excitement that warrants a trifecta of exclamation marks. I see old people walking holding hands and I think, "That will be us some day." I see us as the grandparents that are left on the dance floor at a wedding after the newlyweds and those that have been married for 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 years have been asked to leave.
I want that life. I want to be that couple.
But, then, there's the reality of it. There's decades... years... months... days to make it through to become that couple. There's a lot of life that comes before then. And, unfortunately, life is not always rainbows and ponies.
Earlier this month I didn't like my wife. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to be around her.
Obviously, that doesn't sound like a couple headed towards matching Hoverounds.
I was tired. I was overwhelmed. I was angry. I was hurt.
So, being the emotionally mature man that I am, I took the healthy path. I decided not to talk to her and not to be around her. I shut it down. I did what I needed to do to get through the day with as little interaction as possible.
This led to a come to Jesus meeting one night where my wife told me to talk to her. To which I responded, "You don't want to hear what I have to say." Turns out, I was wrong. She didn't curl up in the fetal position and whimper when I told her how I felt. We had a lengthy, difficult at times, conversation that ended with me confident that we would make it to the days when dinner is served at 4PM.
So, here we are a week, or so, later. I'm sitting in front of the computer with headphones on trying to tune out the world because I am putting together a sermon for next Sunday. To procrastinate, I decide to respond to a blog about how long I've been married. While I'm responding, "How He Loves" is playing.
In that moment, I was left with tears welling up in my eyes. The song attempts to describe the indescribable love that God has for us. I was struck by how much God loves me. This drove my thinking to a place where I believe God was telling me something; something I felt so strongly that I felt the need to share it here.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her - Ephesians 5:25
I say I believe that the same God that created the universe loves me. That He loves me so much that He sent his son, Jesus, down from heaven and had Him die to pay the price for my failures. I also claim that the Bible, which is where the quote above comes from, is true and is the word of God. It is through His word that he spoke to me.
Tonight, while listening to a song about how much God loves me, I felt God saying, "I do love you; more than you'll ever know. Now... you love her." Jesus loved the church so much that He gave himself up for it. And, He's calling me to do the same thing for my wife.
I am trying so hard in a lot of areas to become the man that God is calling me to be, that I have overlooked, or at least lost focus on, one major area, i.e. my role as a husband. Men, join me in regaining that focus.
Husbands, love your wife. Help her to become the woman that God created her to be as she helps you become the man God intended you to be. Be kind. Be strong. Be tender. Be open. Be conscientious. Be available. Be present. Lead. Don't leave her behind. Extend grace beyond measure. Love her and do it well.
Kim, thank you for the way you love me.
posted by Shannon Smith @ 10/30/2010
6 Comments
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6 Comments:
You are a great man, a great father and a wonderful husband, but most of all you're my brother and I love you! This was touching and thank you, because we all have our struggles, most people just don't share them. I hope we all 6 can sit around and talk about this when we have all been married 30, 40, 50 years.
Beautiful post, Shannon. I appreciate you "putting it all out there" and sharing those raw emotions that most people would run away from admitting.
Shannon, great post! Not just because I am a wife who wants to be loved :) I appreciate the honesty. Nathan and I have times like these once or twice a year. It always ends just like you described...Nathan and I sitting and down and I say "Let's here it!"
Us women usually vent the moment we are angry. I've found Nathan "let's it go" and then brings it all up 6 months later once he can't stand to even look at me anymore.
While the conversations at these usually late night meeting don't feel good for either of us, at the end we usually recognize each other's feelings and come out much better on the other side. It is hard to be in those moments and want to love the way God loves. It makes you realize how frustrating we must be for God and just how much grace he truly has...more grace than I can ever imagine giving myself (which is sad). What an AWESOME God!
Thank you for sharing!
Jenn
Glad you posted this Shannon. I am very glad to hear you say the things you did, for a few reasons. 1 - It's easy to keep those revelations and feelings to yourself or easy to keep them confined to your marriage. However, we all need to hear them, to remind us that we are not the only ones that feel this way at times. 2 - It helps me believe in you as a leader and a deacon in our church. Knowing that you have these disputes and feelings is one thing but hearing that you address them in a healthy manor, and then follow it up later in your own time with God and reading is a sign to me of a great leader - a leader who shows humility, fault, and owns up to his sins. You show me that your true desire is to be a man that shows God's love, no matter how hard that may be at times.
Again, thanks for sharing, and Thanks for being man enough to be open.
@Leslie: I look forward to us all being together 30 years down the road, too. At some point, we should all try to live in the same state, or even city.
@Joye: Thanks. I'm usually more of a runner.
@Jenn: We do serve an awesome God. Grace is amazing.
@Dana: Thanks for the encouragement.
It's great to hear from all you ladies. I really appreciate all you've said. I have to admit though that I am a little disappointed that all the responses, both here and on Facebook, have come from wives. Honestly, the post, specifically the end, was written more towards husbands.
Hmmmm, seems like your blog attracts a female crowd. Fortunately for Kim, all your readers also appear to be married. I've only been married for about 10 weeks now, so we haven't gotten to any biannual come to Jesus conversations, so I can't directly relate quite yet, but I was still incredibly moved by this post. I'm not sure if this is related to your sermon, but I hope it is. It is great to hear leaders share their struggles rather than sticking to the text. Wisdom comes from experience and it sounds like your are becoming wise. I myself struggle with opening up my life in this way, so I appreciate your efforts. Thanks man.
I will also mention that you and Kim came up during my pre-marital counseling as one of several couples who's relationships we'd like to emulate. We hardly ever see you guys, so I'm guessing this might come as a surprise to you, but I thought I'd share this just to point out that what you teach so many of us at Visio Dei has very little to do with what you say in a sermon and more to do with how you live your life. So keep on living and keep on sharing; your message will be heard.
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